Family · Forgiveness

What the Bible says about family that hurts you

By the Avela team · 4 November 2026 · 11 min read

The Bible takes both family and harm seriously. It commands honor for parents (Exodus 20:12) and peace "as much as it is up to you" (Romans 12:18), and it also shows people keeping their distance from relatives who meant them harm. Christian teaching calls believers away from revenge, but forgiveness is not a deadline, a denial of harm, or restored access to you. Reconciliation depends on both sides, on change and on safety. You can forgive a parent or sibling, pray for them, and still limit contact while they keep hurting you.

If you are reading this, you are probably in the middle of something painful: a parent who belittles you, a sibling who lies about you, in-laws who undermine your marriage, or a relative you have not spoken to in years. You are not alone in this. In a national survey of more than 1,300 Americans for Cornell sociologist Karl Pillemer's book Fault Lines, 27% of adults reported cutting off contact with a family member, and most said the rift upset them.

First: if you are not safe

If a relative is violent, sexually abusive, stalking you, making credible threats, or controlling your money, movement or contact with others, your safety and your children's safety come first. Do not confront the person alone and do not promise future contact; get specialist support first. Call 911 if you are in immediate danger. For abuse by a current or former partner, the National Domestic Violence Hotline helps at 1-800-799-7233 or thehotline.org. For abuse by another family member, contact local victim services; for child abuse, the Childhelp hotline is 1-800-422-4453. If the pain leaves you thinking about not wanting to live, call or text 988.

Nothing in the command to honor parents requires you to stay in danger. "When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up" (Psalm 27:10). The rest of this article is about painful family conflict where nobody is in danger.

Is it a sin to cut off your family?

Scripture does not give a single rule for every family, so Christians answer this carefully. Three things are clear from the text.

First, God takes family seriously. "Honor your father and your mother" is one of the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:12). Paul's warning that someone who doesn't provide for his own household "has denied the faith" (1 Timothy 5:8) is about providing for dependents, not a rule that an adult must keep contact with every relative. Still, Scripture never treats family as something to discard for convenience or pride.

Second, the Bible limits our responsibility to our own part: "If it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men" (Romans 12:18). Paul's two qualifiers, "if it is possible" and "as much as it is up to you", admit that peace sometimes depends on the other person.

Third, the Bible describes people keeping their distance from relatives. David fled from Saul, his father-in-law, who was trying to kill him (1 Samuel 19:10), yet later refused to harm him (1 Samuel 24). After Jacob and Esau embraced, Esau went back to Seir and Jacob settled in Succoth (Genesis 33:16–17). These are narratives, not a full teaching on boundaries, but they show distance and the refusal of revenge existing together.

So the useful question is why and how you keep distance. Distance to stop ongoing harm is different from cutting someone off to punish them.

What does "honor your father and mother" mean when they hurt you?

Christians differ on how honor is lived out in painful families, but it cannot mean accepting abuse, denying what happened or giving up safety. The Hebrew word behind "honor" carries the sense of weight, of treating someone as significant. For many adult children that looks like speaking of a parent without contempt, refusing revenge, caring for real needs where possible, and praying for them.

The same letter that tells children to obey also tells parents, "You fathers, don't provoke your children to wrath" (Ephesians 6:4). Scripture holds both sides responsible. An adult child can honor a parent by refusing to slander them, sending a card on their birthday, or helping when they are ill, while also declining to discuss their marriage with that parent or ending a visit when the insults start.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing

This distinction helps many Christians who feel trapped between "I must forgive" and "I can't let this keep happening."

Jesus' instructions in Matthew 18:15–17, given about conflict among believers, assume that a wrong is named and addressed and that the outcome depends on whether the other person listens. They can shape some family conflicts; they are not a protocol for abuse.

Forgiving also does not mean you have stopped hurting. Many people forgive the same thing many times, each time the memory returns. Paul's words in Romans 12 are practical here: "Repay no one evil for evil... Don't seek revenge yourselves" (Romans 12:17, 19). Forgiveness starts as a decision about what you will not do.

What Bible families teach about broken families

The families in Genesis are not models of health. They are honest records of favoritism, deception, jealousy and violence, and of what God did in the middle of them.

Joseph and his brothers

Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery. Years later, when he had power over them, he tested whether they had changed before revealing himself (Genesis 42–44). Only after Judah offered himself in place of his youngest brother did Joseph weep and reconcile. Joseph's summary is one of the most quoted verses about family pain: "you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good" (Genesis 50:20). Notice that he called it evil. He did not minimize what they did.

Jacob and Esau

Jacob cheated his brother twice and fled for twenty years. When they met again, "Esau ran to meet him, embraced him, fell on his neck, kissed him, and they wept" (Genesis 33:4). Then they lived in different places. Reconciliation did not require living close together.

Jesus and His mother

The Gospels also show Jesus putting His calling first when His mother and brothers came looking for Him: "whoever does the will of God is my brother, my sister, and mother" (Mark 3:35). And from the cross, in great pain, He made sure His mother would be cared for: "From that hour, the disciple took her to his own home" (John 19:27). Both scenes belong in the picture.

Practical steps when a family member hurts you

1. Write down what actually happens. Specific words and actions, not labels like "toxic." It helps you see whether this is a pattern and helps you speak clearly later.
2. Pray honestly about it. The Psalms include anger and grief. Tell God what it is like, then pray for the person by name, even if your prayer is only "Lord, deal with them and with me."
3. Talk to them directly, if the conflict is not dangerous. Name one specific behavior and what you need instead. Expect defensiveness and stay calm.
4. Set a limit you can keep. "If you criticize my wife, I will leave," then leave, kindly. A limit is about what you will do, not about controlling them.
5. Bring in a wise third person. A pastor, a counselor or a trusted relative.
6. Decide what reconciliation would require. If it ever becomes safe and both of you want it, what would need to change? You can pray toward that without owing ongoing contact to someone who harms you.

Many people find it hard to keep praying for a relative alone, especially when the hurt is old. Sharing the request with one or two trusted people helps. In Avela you can share a prayer request privately with a small circle, without everyone in the extended family seeing it.

A prayer for a broken family

Lord, you know what has happened in my family, and you know how much it hurts. Help me to forgive where I need to forgive, and to tell the truth without bitterness. Protect me where I need protection. Soften hearts, including mine. If reconciliation becomes safe and right, show me my part in it. Until then, keep me from hatred. "The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart" (Psalm 34:18). Be near to me. Amen.

Keep reading: How to get closer to God (or come back after drifting away) · How to pray for your husband (and start praying together)

Sources: Scripture from the World English Bible (public domain). Cornell Chronicle, "Pillemer: Family estrangement a problem 'hiding in plain sight'" (September 2020), on the national survey for Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. National Domestic Violence Hotline. Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline. 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.